Modest Proposals for the GITMO Gang

Today President Obama announced that the Guantanamo Bay detention facility will close within a year. A special task force will be assigned the job of figuring out what to do with the hundreds of detainees still housed there. It”s going to be a challenge because their home countries and other potential havens around the world won’t take them back because the only people who don’t realize that they are dangerous terrorists are the Ameircan left and the Obama administration. So here are some modest suggestions of how we could resolve their status and direct their energies towards more useful pursuits than blowing up children, stoning women to death and kidnapping journalists.

Glacier Monitoring in Greenland

Whatever happens in Greenland stays in Greenland and so does anyone you send there. Give them each a parka and a tape measure. They can measure how much the glaciers are shrinking and then turn in their measurements at an automated kiosk which will give them food in exchange. Inevitably, when the food packets gradually stop being picked up, we can be comforted by knowing that we’ve helped out with the food shortage which threatening the polar bear population.

Mortgage Adjusters

Spending five years in a concrete cell ought to have given them a unique perspective on housing requirements. Let’s put them to work helping to renegotiate mortgage terms for people who have fallen behind on their home payments. Do you really want to argue over terms with this guy ——->

Soylent Green is made out of terrorists! You’ve gotta tell them! Soylent Green is terrorists!

…and it comes in three flavors: al Qaeda, Taliban and spicy Sudanese

Internal Security Police

Rahm Emanuel has proposed a plan to create a civil security force which sounds an awful lot like the kind of secret police forces popular in countries like Iran and Syria. This sort of work should be second nature to our GITMO gang. You’ll think twice about writing that blog criticizing Obama when you know that embassy bomber Khallad bin Attash might stop by to discuss it with you.

Cultural Sensitivity Trainers

With the Democrats in control of school financing we’re going to need a lot more teachers who specialize in teaching multicultural sensitivity courses in our government schools. Who better than some of the GITMO gang to heighten awareness among school kids of the decadence of western society and the superiority of societies which allow ritual murder, mutillation and slavery under the protection of Sharia law.

Radio Talk Show Hosts

Under the Fairness Doctrine we’ll need entertaining shows to balance out the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Every one of the new shows will open with “alahuakbar” and end with the meaty thunk of a jewish journalist’s head being chopped off. Now that’s fair and balanced!

ACORN is Hiring

ACORN already hires druig addicts and ex-convicts. Terrorists ought to fit right in. They may have to pay them in semtex and hummus instead of crack, but at least the names they make up for their fraudulent voter registrations will be more original than Mickey Mouse.

So, as you can see, there should be no problem resolving the status of several hundred violent, pissed-off religious fanatics once GITMO is closed. Their new jobs are waiting and they’re eager to become productive members of society.


About Dave 536 Articles
Dave Nalle has worked as a magazine editor, a freelance writer, a capitol hill staffer, a game designer and taught college history for many years. He now designs fonts for a living and lives with his family in a small town just outside Austin where he is ex-president of the local Lions Club. He is on the board of the Republican Liberty Caucus and Politics Editor of Blogcritics Magazine. You can find his writings about fonts, art and graphic design at The Scriptorium. He also runs a conspiracy debunking site at

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