It's summer and that means it's Bohemian Grove season once again. Time for the elite to get naked, have gay sex and make human sacrifices to a giant owl totem, just as they have been doing since the days of the cavemen, when the whole elitist conspiracy thing began.
The Alex Jones Zombie Brigade will be there in force, with protest signs and video cameras hoping to catch some wrinkled octogenarians dancing around a fire naked, smearing caviar on their genitals and baying at the moon. They're firmly convinced that what began as a combination corporate retreat and fundraiser for the San Francisco Opera is actually a gruesome black mass in which the global elite worship Satan and commit all manner of atrocities while plotting our world-wide subjugation underneath the redwoods.
The truth about Bohemian Grove is that it's all about hedonism, letting go and relaxing, and perhaps shedding some inhibitions – pretty much what we all do on vacation – if taken to a higher level. The only questionable activity for which there is some evidence is dressing up in costume and putting on silly plays in drag, and some organized prostitution (gay and straight). It's rich guys getting drunk, getting laid, acting silly and peeing in the woods. It's a giant frat party with trees. If I had to run a government agency I'd want to blow off some steam too. The downer is that it also includes quite a few speeches, but if you're drunk enough I imagine they're fairly amusing.
Aside from the ever-present hatred of the global elite, the main objection to what goes on at Bohemian Grove seems to be the hedonism. People having fun just doesn't sit well with the moralistic fascists who follow demagogues like Alex Jones. It's especially bad if that fun includes anything even vaguely gay, because homosexuals are Satan's recruiting force or some such. Dress in drag once, and you'll be on your knees servicing the devil for the rest of your life. And of course homosexuality and Satanism lead directly to global government and tattooing bar codes on everyone's foreheads. I just think Alex Jones is jealous of all the fun they have. Why else would he keep trying to crash the party?
It does seem unfair that the partiers at the Bohemian Grove don't invite the rest of us. That hardly seems fair. This year, I think we should all celebrate the solstice in our own rituals at our own personal Bohemian Groves, albeit in a somewhat less elite style. You'll need the following equipment:
- Owl Statue or Owl Mask (you can get a nice one at Sacred Hoop
Red Robes (use your leftover Cardinal Fang costume from Halloween)
Sacrificial Baby Doll (a naked Barbie will probably do)
Keg of Beer (Recently globalized Budweiser or Shiner's new Bohemian Black preferred)
A Bucket of Gin Fizzes (if you can gag the nasty things down)
Suntan Lotion (or baby oil if you live in the Pacific Northwest)
A Grove of Trees (preferably in a public park)
Barbecue Grill or Hibachi (for the sacred fire and ceremonial snacks)
Invite your friends, smear on the lotion, dress up in the red robes with nothing underneath, put on the owl mask and then go to the grove and drink all the alcohol you can. If you're in a public park as suggested, the beer should attract loose women (or men depending on which park you pick), and once you drink enough of your alcohol and gin, instinct ought to take over and the hedonistic dance of world domination will begin.
But don't forget the all-important ritual. You have to join hands and dance in a circle around your hibachi singing "We Are the World" in your best Michael Jackson voice. Then you throw Barbie on the hibachi and shout out "I don't care about the Bohemian Grove."
(For the lowbrow version of the ritual we're omitting the tedious speeches – you might substitute a CD of songs by The Grateful Dead who are BG devotees)
Assuming all of this doesn't get you arrested, when you wake up in the morning covered in ant bites and sore in areas you've never been sore in before, you'll feel much more relaxed and in touch with your inner globalist. Before you know it you'll be dominating all sorts of things, like the line at the local grocery store, your cat and your VCR remote.
Maybe Alex Jones should try it. He seems kind of tightly wound.