Monks™ Available for Home or Office Installation

Through an arrangement with Abbot Gregor of the Monastery of St. Ioan in Suceava Rumania we are proud to finally be able to offer direct, personal Scriptorium services. For a small fee we can now replace your current laser or inkjet printer with a genuine Monk™ (similar to the one pictured below) fully trained in Greek, Latin and Hebrew transcription and multiple calligraphic styles.

Monks™ require minimal maintenance and are available in Ukrainian, Moldavian, Serbian and Coptic varieties. You also have your choice of beard styles, lengths and colors. Just provide your Monk™ with a bowl of gruel and a flask of water and make sure he has plenty of ink available and you’ll be able to produce many pages of attractive, scriptorium-quality output before he has to be replaced.

Unlike temperamental and noisy inkjet and laser printers, Monks™ have taken vows of humility, chastity, obedience and silence. They are used to physical mortification so they are durable and respond well to discipline. Monks™ are guaranteed to perform at an output level of 3 pages per hour in text mode or 1 page per hour in full-color illumination mode.

When your Monk™ is worn out, just place him in the handy plastic recycling bag and ship him back to the monastery to be recycled. A fresh monk will be sent back by return mail for a discounted replacement fee. Monks™ carry a full warranty, but the sanity clause in the warranty will be voided if you require copies of unholy texts such as the Necronomicon, De Vermis Mysteriis or the Pnakotic Manuscript.

Don’t be stuck in the Dark Ages! Order your Monk™ today.

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14 comments on “Monks™ Available for Home or Office Installation

  1. Paul Warnant

    Have you a Raspoutine-like Font ?
    ThanX for the joke!

  2. PattyLynn

    Well this certainly sounds a lot more reliable than my _current_ printer…

  3. Maria de la Paz

    One of your best April Fools’ pages ever (I look for them every year)!

  4. I’m looking for an early medieval Augustian canon, just in case Abbot Gregor feels like branching out…

  5. this strikes me as related to the sale on fonts a few years back.

    scriptorium–something to believe in.

  6. ::cracks up::

    Ah, but are they trained in the Celtic style?

    (There always has to be one trouble-maker…)

  7. Dave

    I believe the instruction manual suggests replacing their jug of water with a jug of whiskey if you want the Monk™ to do any kind of Celtic lettering.\


  8. Diane

    My desk space is limited. Are dimensions available?

    (Soooooo clever! I love it!)

  9. Scott

    Any chance of getting a Cistercian? Preferably from Beaufontaine? I hear they are the most skilled at illumination. Also, will they provide religious services and if so, is that extra?

  10. Carter

    Haha you can’t fool me, Theres no such thing as “Sanity Clause” =)

  11. Neal

    Oh you clever guy. Very very good!!

  12. Herself

    Do you have Monks of Iona or Lindisfarne?

  13. Damn that sanity clause! I really wanted to make a children’s picture-book version of the Necronomicon for my son’s fourth birthday this summer! Then again, what’s a voided warranty, really? It’s no different from overclocking your computer’s processor or jailbreaking your iPhone, is it?

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